It started with watching this video. But technically, it started when I was having dinner with a few friends some weeks ago and it just got me thinking. I don't know if I would consider myself someone who talk bad about people who I don't know; the only person who fits this example that I can think of off the top of my head would be JB. Sure, I've made jokes with people, poking fun of others using the stereotype they were given, but never did I say I believe in those stereotypes. Sometimes, it's just easier if you go along with the crowd that way.

This got me thinking about people in general and how they view others. I'd like to believe that I started off as someone who didn't care what others thought about me. I said what I wanted to, and wore whatever I wanted to. But somewhere, I changed. I started caring a lot about what others said. Is this what they call insecurity? Haha. And before I knew it, I wasn't thinking on my own anymore; I wasn't my own judge of who's good, and who's bad. I was thinking what people wanted me to think. I almost couldn't even stand up for a friend who is now so important to me. That was really a wake up call for me, and I'm glad I snapped out of it. Even with that being said, there are still so many little parts of me that refuse to let me have my own opinions. It's funny because being yourself means you're standing up for your own believes. You're leaving the pack, making yourself vulnerable to attacks. It's hard to be let yourself be vulnerable when it's so easy to stick with a pack who will support you when something happens. But being yourself comes with a different kind of support that you'll never get if you stay in the shadows your whole life. One day, I would like to be able to completely speak my mind and let myself be the judge of all that's good and bad.

That whole things leads me to my second point of vulnerability. It's like the smiley face picture. Why would you want to be the only one smiling in a group of people who are not? You'd just end up looking like a fool right? But if you just imagine and look at the bigger picture, who says these blue smiley faces aren't actually surrounded by happy yellow smiley faces? In that case, the blue ones are the fools. But when you can't see the bigger picture, it's hard to let yourself be vulnerable especially when it didn't do you any good before. You just learn to be a stupid blue smiley face, only to fight for what you lost when you realize it in the end. But like I said two posts ago, I'm learning not to care. I don't care if I end up looking like an idiot, sounding like an idiot. I will believe what I believe in and let myself be hurt when it happens. Feelings and emotions are what makes us human. Why should I continue to throw them away? So to explain why I'm a black hearted/ no heart bitch, it's because I'm scared. More than anyone out there, I'm scared as fuck about people who will judge me, make fun of me, laugh at me, make me feel worthless. In the past, I didn't care because I chose to ignore these feelings. I can't guarantee these feelings will affect me now, but I'm taking a step to get myself out there.

Another realization thanks to you. Sue me for being mentally delayed, but some concepts take longer to understand and sink in. I knew I shouldn't take things for granted, but I didn't understand it. Just like how I can easily read people, but not understand a single thing about them. "You only realize it when it's gone," has been said too many times. I just need more synonyms for understand. Because I get it now. Interestingly, the number of people I can't live without has just increased. Let me take some time to reflect upon that. At least 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 for sure. (Remind me to reflect upon this again in time as I am quite forgetful.)

Lastly, I would like to know how to fully use that box in my heart. Why is it that some things are easier to store away than others?

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It wasn't stupidity. It wasn't that I didn't care what you had to say. I was already long in love. And as you always wished, he came second. You just didn't know.